LONE VISITOR
Anthony Bourdain took his own life on my birthday. I did not know it at the time, but we were both on the same continent of Europe that day.
That was the day I realized I would be a depressed person no matter where I was in the world.
He was a far greater world traveler than I, and he could not take it anymore.
I used to think of traveling as an escape…but now I view it as a part of my life. I manage my depression through regular exercise, eating healthy, hiking, traveling, writing, and generally just being in nature.
When I was a child, “The Red Badge of Courage” was my favorite book.
I remember my seventh-grade creative writing teacher made all of us write down our favorite book.
When she saw what I wrote down, her only word was, “Whoa.”
Reading the historical novel again as an adult, I now know why I was drawn to it.
My two favorite quotes are:
“The strain of present circumstances he felt to be intolerable.”
“He would die; he would go to some place where he would be understood…He must look to the grave for comprehension.”
I would like to consider my depression genetic but that makes it seem like an excuse.
My grandfather committed suicide before I was born.
His father did the same.
On 26 May 1936, my great-grandfather locked himself in the gas station that he owned, drank poison, and passed on to eternal sleep.
My grandfather shot himself in the head in the 1970s.
I knew something was wrong with me starting in third grade.
Richard M. Nixon might not be the most admired American president, but one of his quotes is on the front page of this website.
“Only if you have been in the deepest valley, can you ever know how magnificent it is to be on the highest mountain.”
I have been to that deep valley and survived.
Before my thirtieth birthday, I survived a natural disaster, a life-threatening disease, two major surgeries on my esophagus, a slight opioid addiction, swallowing problems, tremendous medical debt, hunger, loss of finances, the loss of my “real” father, arthritis, marriage, divorce, and suicide.
And yet I live on.
I have learned to live with depression, and am no longer suicidal. Perhaps my writings, travels, and photography will inspire and help others in need. The world is beautiful and so are you.
Without knowing it previously, I embodied the persona of the “Lone Visitor.”
“Lone visitor views the dune field from the peak of High Dune in Great Sand Dunes National Park.”
I am the lone visitor.
Jerry F. Pillarelli and I met on a sand dune in Colorado on the Fourth of July. He provided the perfect caption to a photograph of me which inspired the name for this website.
In 2016, I set out to fulfill one of my life goals: to explore all 50 states. I was 29 years old and did not have that much work left, actually. The only remaining states included three on the west coast, seven on the east coast, and Hawaii.
Even though I had explored Colorado before, I wanted to see something different. Looking at the map, I decided on Great Sand Dunes National Park in south central Colorado. Massive piles of sand with nowhere to go. The sand is surrounded by mountains, and the wind blows from the west, then east, then west, then east, so the sand goes nowhere. It is stuck.
I started hiking up the dunes early in the morning yet the sun was hot from above and I could feel the sand radiating heat from below.
As I rested on top of one of the dunes, a man with a large camera made his way to me. We talked for a little bit while we exchanged travel stories. He was on a mission to photograph every single National Park. I was on my journey visiting my last states. He gave me his business card. It was Jerry.
Jerry F. Pillarelli is a professional photographer from Arizona, lives in an RV, and travels across the country looking for the perfect photo opportunities.
We parted ways as I continued up the dunes. Reaching the top, I gazed out at the ruggedness of the sand and the bleak, void landscape.
A month later, I emailed Jerry to see where he was in the world. He emailed back and said, “I think this photo has you in it.” The link took me to an amazing landscape of the swirling and unforgivingly hot sand dunes with a man at the top left side staring out into the wilderness.
The lone visitor.
http://www.pbase.com/jfp_photo/image/163629938